Winning The Relationship War

The romance should never end... 

Sometimes, in order to gain ground in your relationships, you have to, first, take the time to understand and resolve any ongoing issues.  Recently, I was engaging a colleague and recommended that she try these "exercises" at home in order to bring some cohesion to her marriage.  In a matter of months, she reminded me oof our initial conversation and that her results were extremely successful, although it did require commitment to betterment on both sides.  After hearing this, I thought I would pass these little points of interest along ... 

  

Date Night

You two are required to have a “date night” once a week.  You can accomplish this by going out, eating dinner alone on the patio, cuddling up for a movie, washing cars together, or even picking out each others clothes for a week.…  During “date night”, no one is allowed to complain about anything, but you do get to talk about what makes you happy that you are together.  You can only complement each other and be as nice as possible.  Who knows – one of you might get lucky before the night is over! 

Fight Night or "The Punch Pouch"

Fighting is actually good for a relationship.  But, like professional boxing, fights should have rules, time outs, and "no hitting below the belt".  Instead of arguing daily, just write down what your thoughts and place them in a brown bag or pouch.  Once a week, you each have to read one thought that the other had during the week and resolve the issue without arguing.  This gives you both time to "cool off" from a heated debate and resolve the issue after you have each had time to consider your actions, your contribution to the chaos, and your partner's feelings.  Your discussion is limited to one hour and the "winner" should be awarded with an apology and a kiss.  Sorry, no real punches allowed.  

 Listening & Learning

If you cannot resolve an issue on a given topic; money, kids, career, etc. then here is a secondary use for that "punch pouch".  Write down a topic you would like to discuss and set aside a day and time to get serious about a decision.  But, before attempting to resolve anything or re-stating your own ideas, each of you has to re-state exactly what the other person thinks about the topic.  That will prove that you are listening and it may even make you two understand each other more.  After being able to state how the other feels, come to a resolution that has both solutions in one.

Sometimes, the only thing we need to do is observe a situation from a different perspective.  In order for any situation to work, all parties must be considered equally.  By taking the time to hear, rephrase, and re-speak what your partner desires from you, we can gain more than there is to lose.

Try one or all of these strategies in your relationship and let me know if they work for you....

Sometimes, You Can Become Your Own "Boogie Man"

Life is repeat with learning moments…

As a child, we are taught “fear” by those around us who tell us that the “Boogie Man" will get you if you don’t go to bed or listen to your parents.  This fear sometimes paralyzes us by invoking the idea of an unseen monster that awaits us around hidden corners. 

Although our parents are fully aware that no such being exists, the imagination of a child will breathe life into every shadow.  Their young minds can create footsteps from the sound of a ticking clock and screams from the scratching of a tree limb against the window.  You see, your imagination can make anything real.  If this is true, then, you can become prey to your own thoughts.

As an adult, I have learned that the “Boogie Man” is very real, indeed. 

Workplace conversations can create an atmosphere of exaggerations that make everyday occurrences seem like declarations of war.   If a person’s perception of you is marred, so then is their reality.  No matter how good your intentions may be, if someone already has a preconceived notion about you, then it may be difficult to allow them to see the "real you" instead of the Boogie Man they've created in their minds.   

If others think you are speaking about them to others, then – no matter what is said – you are guilty in their eyes.    In kind, if you think there is favoritism in the workplace, then – guess what – no matter how untrue it is; you will always see things that way.    My question to you is, "How do you defeat the "Boogie Man" at work?"

Looking Beyond Your Own Reflection

I recently encountered a friend who left me with a challenging thought: "If the person that you think you are were to meet the person everyone knows you to be, would those two people like each other? Would they even recognize each other?"

This stumped me for a moment .  I am always the one advising others on how to manage their perceptions, but had I done enough to successfully manage my own?  You see, everyone wears an emotional mask at some point throughout their lives. We hide our vulnerabilities, protect our hearts, and sugarcoat the truth by creating a public persona unlike ourselves.

We willfully subscribe to the idea of having a "representative" speak on our behalf; often projecting a more sound image of ourselves to the world. Some people choose to conceal the scars that molded them by failing to acknowledge their pain.  Others dwell in re-living their "glory days;" never growing beyond those experiences.  You've seen them, they commonly end their sentence with, "Those were the good old days..."  Ultimately, we all attempt to create an alter ego for the public.  How different is your representative from you?

Your representative is that personality that leads the conversation and answers questions with your own personal swagger; be ye nerd or be ye knight.  This alternate personality acts as a buffer between you and the world. It  allows you to deal with life without truly embracing the experiences of others.  You can conceal your true feelings behind politically correct candor.  Your representative can forge workplace associations; yet, establish no new friendships.  This personality is who you want to be: strong, confident, sound., slightly above the fray, aware.

But, aside from this persona, how are you perceived by others?  Regardless of your intent, people may view you as anything ranging from a mentor to today's comedic relief. Some people see beyond the faux representative and may consider you to be insincere and untrustworthy. And, no matter how much you try to groom your representative after the surveys have come in, "perception is -and always will be - reality".

If the people around you don't see you as you see you, who really has the problem?

Are You Here To Help Or Hinder?

Long ago, I noticed that people come into your life for either a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  I tried to relay this information to a friend through writing; however, the message seem muddled by the use of words.  So, to make things much easier to digest, I simply stated, “people are either one of three things: to help, to hinder, or to serve as a cause for hesitation.”  This, she seemed to get…

The most obvious people to be identified are those who have come into your life to help you.  They are teachers in some way because you may learn from them in many different ways.  Some lead by example while others coddle and hand-hold you through a situation.  Either way, you are rewarded for their kinship because you become a better person for simply having known them.

Another group of people who are easy to identify are those who have come to hinder or harm you.  They may have hidden agendas or operate openly with no regard for your well-being.  Not every person willingly hinders your growth, but it is important to be wise enough that you can identify whether a person’s actions are self-serving and done with no reflection on how negatively received actions will weaken a friendship.   In many cases, we consider these people as needy, selfish, or “dramatic”.  Although they may provide great entertainment value in some forums, these same people can be considered draining or even toxic to some relationships.

You Didn't Know?! We've Always Been Beautiful!

Months ago, People Magazine allowed the glowing radiance of Lupita Nyong'o to grace its cover as one of the most beautiful people in the world.  Pleased to finally see the public acknowledgement of ethnic beauty, I watched silently as the world seemed to echo the rippling effect of public adulation.  Laughingly, I listened as others commented on her beauty as if it were suddenly "refreshing" to see such stunning poise and grace embodied in a woman of color. 



Lupita Nyong'o

But, quite honestly, the stark contrast between Nyongo and that which we are subconciously taught to personify as beauty is probably the most amazing thing about this buzz worthy "attraction".  Nyongo's dark complexion, short hair, and magnetic smile all combine to make cameras fall in love with a new definition of American beauty that - suprisingly - has been here all the while.   

 

Having been raised in a household with four sisters, four brothers, and a mother who never left the house without looking her very best, I have always reveled in the commanding beauty of women of color.  You see, I was surrounded by five reflections of feminine beauty that did not need affirmations from society.  As a counter-balance, I was also fortunate to also have four examples of masculinity that - though not applauded publicly - still defined character, strength, and pride.  Together, each of my family's facial features and varied array of skin tones proved to me that there is not one standard for beauty.  To me, the entire African American diaspora is a living personification of what beauty truly means.