In recent months, my posts have
taken on a theme of “matters of the heart” as many readers have decided to send
me personal emails asking for my advice.
After offering my vantage point, I then, share the advice minus the
initial request with you; my forum. I am
flattered to be considered trustworthy enough to confide in by so many. Now, if
I can just figure out how Dr. Phil got his own TV show… LOL.
In essence, a hollow victory is
not a victory at all. But, reaching the FINISH LINE (or the end of a situation) allows you to start over with a new energy. After discovering
an infidelity during a relationship it is hard to learn to trust again. Explanations and excuses seem to be just as
abundant as doubt and confusion. Did I
do something wrong? Am I not
enough? Why her/him? What does she/he have/do that I don’t?
Clearly, the only way to overcome
the awkwardness of a situation like this is to simply end the affair or begin again - from the beginning... Yes, in order to build the trust needed for a
solid foundation, it may take starting over.
Go out on “first dates”, talk openly about your desires, and fall in
love all over again. It will not be easy
to continue with your previous relationship because something is flawed, so
wipe the slate clean and begin anew with little or no reference to the past.
Seems silly? Of course it does. The hardest thing to do is to forgive AND
forget. Most people can only do one or
the other, but only attempt to do both at the same time. So, if you find that you are in a situation
that calls for you to completely forgive the other person, find a way to
reinvent the both of you. Discover your
shortcomings, explore each others physical/mental needs, become emotionally
available, and be willing to leave your “comfort zone” and expand in new
directions.
If your mate is sincere, they
will learn to appreciate you for a new beauty that this negative situation has
brought about. If they are not, then you
have done all you can to ensure that you were not the problem to begin
with. People change with time, so be
willing to make the adjustments that will allow your relationship to
either flower or falter. Either way, in the end, you
can hold your head high. You will know
that you have done your best and – possibly – come to the very real conclusion
that the two of you make much better friends than lovers.
This poetic excerpt stems from a
previous blog, Love’s Triangle: Don’t Do Me That Way. As part of the aftermath of a triangle-based
affair, someone will feel the lesser, someone will feel greater and the person
who created the triangle hardly feels anything.
I wrote this poem in an effort to find strength in truth.. I hope it’s words can heal.
No One Really Wins
by Sean C. Robinson, September 2012
It is done. The race is over.
I’ve finally crossed
that finish line.
Nothing else could be
so sweet,
So blissful, or more
sublime.
I have done my best;
I must say.
And, I have fought an
earnest fight.
I’ve battled bravely
to win your heart
And done so with all
my might.
But, just as I
cross this finish line
I cast my eyes upon
a my "prize"...
I see nothing but a
cold, empty heart;
Free of feelings, void of compromise.
It seems as if the
race was long over
And our courtship was
a mere disguise
I've won second place. I am the first to lose.
Please allow me to
summarize.
You see, another
suitor has won your mind
And without it, your
heart means nothing
I was competing in
the wrong contest
Now isn’t that a
bunch of “something”?
I’ve been your
friend, your confidant.
We’ve learned to
laugh and play.
While he has been so
much more to you
In every other way.
So I no longer
cherish this untrue heart;
It is cold and
lifeless to my touch.
And I congratulate
the one true victor
Who holds your mind
within his clutch.
But, then again, this is just ONE Man’s Opinion… What is yours?
Forgive and forget is impossible for us a human beings, you do an amazing job outlining another concept that many people do not truly understand, Forgive and Learn. The truth of the matter is, people can forgive but will always be afraid or show some other emotion wherein behaviors dictate that they did not forget. Thus, learning from what happened and creating situations that will allow for those short comings to be either a non issue or more prominent in our lives.
ReplyDeleteMany people always mistake our imperfections with limitations and many times can not tell the difference. Think of it like this, in school you have a limitation of 100 percent out of 100 percent on a test. If you do not receive 100 percent on the test you did not run into the limitation but an imperfection. So, you go back and study, find where you faultered and impliment knowledge and wisdom for the next test so you can achieve the perfect score. When we enter into relationships and things do not go according to plan, we need to identify was it an imperfection that occured or a limitation. Learn your imperfections and improve on them to make them perfections, know your limitations so that you can, with good faith limit the interactions with the limitations, allowing for a better relationship for all those involved.
Amazing article Sean
Diano Coston Jr
Diano,
DeleteThank you for taking the time to join the conversation. I hoe you find other blogs worthy of comment and (if you like) you can also take the time to share these thoughts with family and friends. Sometimes the shortest bridge in resolving an issue is found by creating dialogue... Read on!
Sometimes starting over is what is best...just take the time to get to know yourself. No relationship is a waste of time. You either learn what you do or don't want in one. Thanks for one man's opinion.
ReplyDelete