Better or Bitter: After The Love Is Gone...

Just a few years ago, Erykah Badu had a chart topping series of songs that trumpeted an anthem of strength and rebirth to a new generation of women.  With the torch song of the era, Badu gave women the strength to walk away from emotionally crippling relationships as she belted out lyrics aimed at all the Tyrone-like characters within the sound of her voice.  She followed that up with a song meant to heal the bruised psyche of her female (and attentive male) fans as she gave thousands - or perhaps millions - the ability to see themselves in the lyrics of Bag Lady.

So, even after a musical revolution that garnered millions in record sales, I look around at the single women and broken relationships that still fail to heed her call to revelation and rebirth and I shake my head in wonderment.  Why are so many people strong enough to dismiss a mate from their lives; yet, never divorce themselves from the  their negative circumstance?

The Strength And Power She Commands...

Women are to be applauded simply because they are women.  I say this because I have had great examples in my life, great experiences in my past, and I have even greater expectations in my future.

You see, as a child, I stood in awe of my mother; Sadie, sweet Sadie.  She raised her nine children all alone in a four bedroom home in a quiet residential neighborhood in Portsmouth, VA.  We never knew when she was struggling or at her wit's end.  We all had daily chores marked clearly on a wall calendar that hung in the kitchen.  We all knew that we had to eat meals together at certain times of the day.  We all knew that we could not leave the house until our chores and homework were done. And, most importantly, we all knew that we needed to be in the house as soon as the street lights came on.  Without knowing it, she laid a foundation for order that has shaped my public persona.

Our neighbors may have had their own opinion of what they could expect of a woman with a house full of children.  But, when they came to visit - announced or unannounced - they were always surprised to find the house in immaculate order and every child neatly dressed and well-mannered.  Many times, they had to ask where the children were because my mother was a firm believer that children were to be seen and not heard.  We didn't entertain or interfere with adult conversations.  We played quietly in our rooms and, for years, found joy in the sound of each others laughter.  By doing this, my mother taught me to respect elders, nurtured my creativity, and  instilled my manners when interacting with others.

Learning To Stay In Your Lane...

When you go out to a bar, the bartender has the option of "cutting you off" when it appears that you have had enough.  When you speed down a street, policemen can stop you and give you a ticket when you have reached or surpassed a legal limit.  But, when you are falling in love, there are few others who can stop you from making fatal mistakes that could lead to despair and depression.  Therefore, you must be a steward of your own emotions and safeguard your heart at all times.  Knowing when to end a potentially bad situation is completely up to you.

Not every relationship is meant to be long-term.  Sometimes, you have to learn to grasp what you can from a situation and move on with your head raised.  Some relationships (be they personal or intimate) are only meant to build your character, to exploit your strengths/weaknesses, or even allow you to be an example to others.  Knowing when to sever the ties that bind can be a tricky proposition, but you must remember this: You are the only person who can determine how long you endure a conflict, a heartache, or a headache.  Love freely - but choose the holders of your heart wisely. 

Staying In My Lane

by Sean. C. Robinson, August 2012

Realizing that I am “out of my league” doesn’t defame me.

In this instance; it means that I entertain you, and you simply delight in me.

We’ve come from different worlds, we’ve led completely different lives

And, I can only imagine the context of things you’ve seen through your own eyes.

Sometimes, these differences can attract or even repel

As we uncoil our life’s mysteries through the stories we both tell.

But, someplace betwixt chapters nine and twenty-two

I have become lost in the shuffle; dismayed and unglued.

And, like a wide -eyed child left alone in a candy store

I’ve grown sick from fascination – yet, I seem to want more.

But, from within, the responsible adult that I know I can be

Stands and waves a flag of surrender, still insisting that I flee.

 

This is more than I can handle, this is so much more than I choose;

There have been too many nuances in this game – I realize I could lose.

So, instead of being trampled on a field filled with broken dreams

I opt out, retire to the sidelines, and I willfully concede.

 

Sometimes,  our greatest heartache builds the greatest portion of our character.  You learn the true emotional limitations by becoming vulnerable.  And, with each failed relationship you must learn to assess the victories and overcome the pitfalls.  This will help you to ease your pains of transitioning from love to understanding.  Remember, you may have gone through this experience just to prepare you for the greatness that lies ahead.

In the end, you will become a better person for the true relationship which lies further ahead... Remain optimistic.  Your true love may be just a little farther down the road and much more in  line with "your lane" of understanding.

But again, this is just ONE Man's Opinion... What is yours?

The Truth About Your Lying

Long ago, I was advised that people come into our lives for either a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I will readily admit that I didn't fully understand the cliché at the moment, but I have grown to adopt this mentality as way of saving myself from heartache, false expectations of others, and emotional pitfalls. Although it may seem unfair to categorize people at the onset of a relationship, it is easier to separate yourself from them if you truly understand which of these three areas they were truly meant to effectuate in your life.

Comrades: Some people come into your life for a reason. They are there to teach you an immediate lesson, to help you through a rough patch, and to either allow you to bless them or to be a blessing to you. The relationships established with these people can last for a fleeting moment or even a few years, but their purpose is clearly defined and they can be relied upon for the fulfillment of an immediate need. Knowing this, you can clearly define the boundaries of this relationship and, when it ends, you can move on unscathed.

Constituents: Another group of people can come into your life for a season. These people may linger for months or even a few years as well. Your relationships with them take on a more emotional impact and they teach you (or you teach them) long-term lessons that will impact you throughout your life. In this instance, there is often a teacher/student role established and many harsh lessons may be learned through the experiences you share.

This relationship is much like a see-saw because the roles of teacher and student are often determined by the circumstance, not the members involved.  One person’s strengths may be the other's weakness and one person’s experiences may bridge the gap for another's understanding in other occurrences in life.   Some lessons are hard learned and both people stand to gain greater knowledge of their own limitations after enduring emotional scars that may, eventually, drive them apart.   

Some of these yin-yang, heartfelt relationships are often deemed toxic by some as they come to an end, but the lessons gained by each person are proven invaluable over the course of time. Some end in betrayal or the exposure of traits that you do not wish to foster in your life.  Just remember that birds of a feather tend to flock together, so ending one relationship may require cutting toes with a few others as well. 

These relationships simply "fizzle" out as you take the lessons that you needed to learn and move on.  Some end dramatically while others simply fade with time.  As you continue to clean your house of these toxic relations, you may go through revelations and moments of shock, but just be relieved that you have freed yourself from energy that will, eventually, destroy itself.  

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Confidants: Another group of people come into your life for a lifetime.  These people are the well-defined, lifelong friendships that evolve after sifting through the reasons and seasons of others.  A true friend, companion, and/or lover knows your strengths and revels in them.  They also know your weaknesses and they have their own way of compensating for them as well.  They complete you.  You, in turn, complete them. 

Lifetime companions have your best interests at heart at all times and they temper those interests with your immediate needs and concerns as well as your long-term goals.  In essence, they may act as your external conscious as they prove themselves to be your ultimate friends.  They each determine their niche’ in your life and may appeal to a persona or characteristic of your psyche’; fueling your relationship with antagonistic energies that catapult you to move toward your end goals.

Knowing where a person “fits” into your personal make-up only strengthens your knowledge of self.  We all have good and bad influences in life but, we control their overall impact.  Know your limitations – but also know where you can draw strength.  And, even more importantly, know when and where to draw the line. 

Learn what you can from every encounter and become a better person – whether it is for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. 

But alas, this is just ONE Man’s Opinion… What is yours?

 

Finish Line: A Chance To Start Again

In recent months, my posts have taken on a theme of “matters of the heart” as many readers have decided to send me personal emails asking for my advice.  After offering my vantage point, I then, share the advice minus the initial request with you; my forum.  I am flattered to be considered trustworthy enough to confide in by so many.  Now, if I can just figure out how Dr. Phil got his own TV show… LOL.

In essence, a hollow victory is not a victory at all.  But, reaching the FINISH LINE (or the end of a situation) allows you to start over with a new energy.  After discovering an infidelity during a relationship it is hard to learn to trust again.  Explanations and excuses seem to be just as abundant as doubt and confusion.  Did I do something wrong?  Am I not enough?  Why her/him?  What does she/he have/do that I don’t?

Clearly, the only way to overcome the awkwardness of a situation like this is to simply end the affair or begin again - from the beginning...  Yes, in order to build the trust needed for a solid foundation, it may take starting over.  Go out on “first dates”, talk openly about your desires, and fall in love all over again.  It will not be easy to continue with your previous relationship because something is flawed, so wipe the slate clean and begin anew with little or no reference to the past.