If You Choose To Start Over, You Have To Crawl Before You Walk

After someone betrays your trust, it may be hard to open your heart to them again.  However; if they are persistent and you choose to re-engage in the relationship, you may find it better to follow these simple steps.

1. Agree to discuss the betrayal openly.

A mutual discussion must take place in order to resolve feelings and move forward.  In order to maintain a sense of "equal footing", agree to meet in a nuetral location that lends itself to open conversation and few external distractions.  Have a designated arrival and departure time so that you remain focused on a resolutiojn, not just airing greivances.  Have a clear goal in mind and, with each word, stay focused on attempting to accomplish that goal.

2. Each party must accept their ownership of "where things went wrong".

In order to have an intelligent exchange, both parties must be willing to accept that they are a part of the problem.  What is the underlying issue?  What can be done to avoid repeat occurances? Can we move forward?  What will it take to regain your trust?  These are all questions that both parties should be willing to answer openly.  Answers should be definitive and boundaries should be drawn.  If someone hurts you once, it may be that they were unaware of your boundaries.  After this discussion, there should be no room for excuses.   Once - might be - a mistake.  Anything more is intentional.

3.  Both parties should be willing to understand the other person's perspective.

Sometimes, just defining your expectations of one another is enough. But, acknowledging the fact that the two of you have different perspectives is even greater. Your partner should see be capable of always seeing your situation from your perspective.  Your significant other should know what motivates, excites, and/or even angers you.  And, they should also anticipate how you will react to every given situation - whether you are there or not.  In order to respect one another, you must always be thinking of one another.

4. Come to a resolve and agree to leave it in the past.

Pain is never easily resolved; however, both parties must walk away from this "bump in the road" with an understanding that it has had a negative impact on the relationship.  If you decide to stay together, agree to not revert to this discussion repeatedly at the first sign of indifference.  Making someone relive their shame just to help you get over your pain is unfair and self-defeating.   That type of behavior shows that trust cannot be re-established and it immobilizes the relationship. 

If you agree to no longer be involved with one another, then - at the least - you have had an opportunity to share your side of the argument and apologize for your shortcomings.  Leaving a relationship is not the "end all" that weakens a person.  Nor is it the time to start the self-hating cycle of lies that will lead you to believe that all men are dogs / all women are b*tches.   It may; however, be the perfect time to reinvent yourself and find inner strength based on the things you were willing to hear about yourself during this honest, open discussion.... Now, the question is: Were you really listening? 

5. Keep your business to yourself.

In this age of social media, people have lost their civil minds!  Not everything is to be discussed in an open forum.  Not everything is a competition to see who has the greatest tolerance for ignorance.  You should be mindful of the fact that your business is not for public consumption.  Sharing with one or two close friends is fine - if you truly value their opinion and you are willing to be honest about your contribution to the downfall.  But, airing your dirty laundry to multitudes only makes you look vulnerable and insecure when you find yourself willing to continue with the relationship.  Think first, then be careful when opening your mouth...

Every relationship is an opportunity to learn something about yourself.  Some people will push you to new heights while others will bring you to new lows.  Either way, you have to determine your boundaries and commit yourself to being a better person for just having the experience.

But, alas, this is just ONE Man's Opinion... What is yours?