What Goes Around, Comes Around...

I recently received an email from a female reader and she summed up her situation in a rather lengthy explanation.  Apparently, she was involved with a man who chose another woman over her, but he still opted to keep her as a friend and confidant.  Now, after spending some time as girlfriend #2, she has become the sounding board for her ex as he goes through problems in his current relationship.  At the end of that failed relationship, he has come to her for solace, but she confides in me that she feels like she should be saying I told you so instead of offering him milk and cookies and kissing his wounds.  In essence, she asks, "Should I feel good or bad because my ex's ex is treating him badly?"

As she explained in her letter, the mixed feelings that stemmed from the raw emotion of her love's rejection blinded her from running away from her lover-turned-friend.  She attempted to subdue her own feelings in exchange for a fake friendship that was held together by one-sided conversations and meaningless sex.  According to her, she continued to be in his presence with the hope that he would, one day, realize that she was everything he'd ever wanted; a non-judgmental friend, confidant, and friend. Still, she allowed this "friend with benefits" to date others freely as she lowered her standards and watched silently as the object of her affections carelessly played with her heart.

Now, she is expected to offer consoling words because the same thing has been done to him.  He found out that his "girlfriend" was a liar and a cheater,  She, too, was dating freely and had recently broken up with him because he couldn't be trusted.  Trust had become an exchangeable commodity that was as meaningless as the feelings the three of them shared for one another.  Yet, they each lived separate lives, intertwined only by sex.

Her role in his life was to act only as a dependable point of stability.  She'd nursed him to health when he was ill, she'd transported him back and forth to work, and she'd actually helped him to calm his emotions each time his lover spurned him in lieu of someone else.  This, she says, went on for months and she willfully played a pawn in this game of love.

In my opinion, each person in this three-way affair has sold themselves short,  If "truth" and "honesty" ever played a part in this relationship, they only served as a shakeable foundation to a doomed inevitability.  Luckily, no children were involved - yet, their antics were nothing but childish.  With the high probability of sexually transmitted diseases and emotional instabilities, this volatile relationship could only prove toxic.  What could ever be gained in a relationship based on deception and lies?

So, now that her friend is friendless, he expects to be consoled by her loving arms.  I can understand her confusion.  I can understand her relishing in this "I told you so" moment.  But, I can neither condone or condemn her finding happiness in his misery.  If she is truly a friend, she should feel saddened by his situation.  If she was only in his life for the sexual benefits, then she should feel resolve in knowing that she is still a benefactor of his physical prowess.  Still, he does not see her as "the one" he should be with.  She no longer sees him through the same rose-colored lenses.  The have each been tainted by the failures of their own making.  They should have each seen the dead end of their relationship long before it happened.


Mental maturity is hard learned.  I would only hope that she can remove herself from this situation and find herself in a relationship truly worthy of her standards.  Hopefully, she will learn that she can be valued and respected by someone who will reciprocate her emotions.  Until she values herself, no one will.  Until he matures mentally, he will continue to act childishly.  In essence, no one wins and those around the three of them will continue to have a reason to laugh and speak in whispers behind their backs.

So, to answer her initial question, "How should she feel?"  To me, she should feel just as she has always felt: confused and rejected.  Is it fair for her to feel good about his situation?  To that, I would remind her that karma handles its own affairs.  Don''t further compromise your dignity by becoming a lesser woman by adding insult to injury.

My only suggestion would be "Run, Forrest, run!"  There is nothing to gain by remaining in this relationship.  The cycle of mental abuse and emotional shortcomings will continue to spiral out of control because she has allowed it.  You can never regain standards or trust once they are compromised.  And now that everyone is single, maybe they should all choose separate paths and continue life's journey.  They are each a little wiser, a little hurt, and (hopefully) a little smarter for having loved and lost.   Now, they should just acknowledge their losses and move on...

But, again, this is just ONE Man's Opinion...  What is yours?