May You Suffer Just The Same...

May You Suffer Just The Same

written July 19, 2020

My heart has just been crumbled into a chalky, dark red sand.

I just can't go on loving you, I am no longer the same man.

Strangely, I don't feel your venom as it courses through my veins

But, even as my heart grows numb; each beat forces out new pains.

I never meant to become the villain in your day-to-day nightmare,

I've only wanted to cherish you and show you how much I care.

But, your secret rendezvous, midnight texts, and x-rated video dates

Have made me became your nemesis and you've already sealed my fate.

Now, other men have your attention, your friendship, and your devotion,

And I've lost my place in your frozen heart as it fills with my demotion.

You say that I'm the problem as your affairs publicly evolve -

And you wonder when I'll finally notice that we're no longer involved.

You've weakened every vessel within my broken heart,

And still, I cling helplessly to you as my whole life falls apart.

You've ciphered every single resource as if money grows on trees

As you disregard my feelings; as I no longer serve your needs.

To you, I'm no more than a nameless face in an ever-growing crowd;

Just another one of your super fans; a digital patron in the clouds.

I was, once, your handsome knight who saved you from despair

But your words of anger soon revealed that you never even cared.

You once felt safe In my arms: now, you hate that I'm still breathing. 

And instead of  mending our relationship, you schedule secret meetings.

I've sacrificed and lost everything, and still, you require more and more

And, like a fool, I work day and night while other men come knocking at my door.

You've drained of all my energy; I'm just a sheep being led to slaughter 

While you date others openly and laugh - but, not always in that order.

You've watched my barren soul descend deeper into your hell.

My best friend, your ex's brother, your mom's new beau - they've all been conjured by your spell.

Memories of our times together have been replaced - one after the other;

And I've stopped existing as I once was as I bitterly become some other.

Yes, it seems that I've  been fooled by love and I gave my heart too freely;

Thinking you'd reciprocate and not be so damned deceiving.

You see, a tiger never changes stripes, nor does a cheetah get new spots.

And I'm not the first, nor am I the last in your chain of broken hearts.

I choose not to warn your next victims - I have my selfish reasons; 

Maybe kharma will visit you and let vengance have open season.

To keep others guessing your true identity, you slander my good name;

Leaving proof of your affairs to be found by me while telling others I've gone insane.

Confusion caused by our back and forth have made our friends all turn away;

But that just means fewer prying eyes as you go about your day.

New suitors have ignored the signs that would deter a wiser man

As you continue using sex as your weapon of choice - over and over again.

So, willingly, I finally free myself from the torture of this game;

Knowing one day soon, you'll  meet your match and suffer just the same.

May You Suffer Just The Same. 

The Freedom of A Willow Tree

As a child, I once wrote a poem that, unintentionally, angered my mother; a poem about my own demise.  She thought that, at the age of 9, I was far too young to even consider my own end.  But, even still, I can recall the words of this poem to this day along with  the whimsical imagination of a child.

Ssurely, everyone must die - but I wanted a celebration of a life worthy of remembrance.   Seemingly,  my thoughts about how to handle my remains have gone unchanged for over thirty years....

My Willow Tree

by Sean C. Robinson

Summer 1979

When I die, I’d like to be

Placed beneath a willow tree;

A strong, but silent, willow tree

That weeps for none but me.

So, place my ashes in an urn

And bury me after I am burned.

Allow me to be born again

In branches and leaves that dance in the wind.

Yes, when I die, I’d like to be

Born again as a willow tree.

So, when you visit,
don’t cry for thee

Because my willow
will always weep for me.

And I’ll grow strong and offer shade

And live with family throughout my days

As a strong and silent willow tree

That watches over years of family.

So after I have left this earthly frame

Bury me so I might live again

As a  strong, but silent, willow tree

That weeps for none but me.

More recently, I  met with a group of friends and discussed the fact that, culturally, we often forget that death is a part of the cycle of life. 

  

We fail to plan ahead and; therefore, leave our families with undue expenses at a time when stress and poor decision making skills are at a all-time high.  As a favor to ourselves and our families, we all decided to take a moment and do three things that would help ease the pain of our transitions:

• Create, notarize, and file our final will, 
• Open a savings account at a black owned bank and deposit funds for our funerals, and 
• If we are organ donors, we would designate how our organs are to be used to help other family members in need rather than just left for general distribution by the funeral homes / hospitals.

By doing these things in advance, many of the hard decisions that plague our surviving family members are removed.  Families often bicker over last minute details and a funeral is the wrong place to birth new hostilities.  So, by thinking of others even as you think of yourself, you may quail the tensions  of family division long before they become an issue.

I want a peaceful home going celebration.  I know what songs I would like to be played, how I would like to be remembered, and what I’d like to see done with the monies left behind from various insurance policies.  By creating scholarships, trust funds, and allocating property, it is safe to say we can all create a legacy that will begin to build generations of wealth long after we have left this realm.

But, alas, this is just ONE Man’s Opinion…. What about you?   

How Do You Sleep At Night?

The Truth About Your Lying

Sean C. Robinson

I don’t know which is worse; the fact that you lie

Or the fact that you think I believe you.

And since I know the truth, I wonder

By allowing you to lie, am I the one who is being untrue?

If I were to tell you that "I only ask questions

To which I already know what the answer should be

Just so I can study your face and identify the look

Of a lie when it is told to me."

 

Would you, then, continue to lie so freely

Telling drawn-out tales as you please?

Or, would you deny me the entertainment of seeing

The quiver of your lip as you lie daily with such ease?

  

Would I begin to miss the wrinkle in your brow

When you repeat every question before fibbing?

Or, would I somehow demean this false relationship

That we both pretend we are living?

 

 I bid you to know I'll soon tire of this game

As each lie slowly rips our love apart.

And, when I am bored with your sideshow antics

I’ll move on, taking with me, my broken heart.

 

So, keep lying and cheating and doing “your thing”

As if no one else should be as wise

Knowing that you will soon be left all alone -

Ruined by your own compromise.

I etched these words years ago and shared them with a friend.  At that time, I was a "shoulder to lean on" as we both navigated our way back to reclaiming our self-worth after having endured the pains of our failed relationships.  Repeatedly, I offered the reassurance of a better tomorrow as we both grew tired of the cliche, yet found comfort in it's possibly at the same time.  When she spoke, I listened intently and passed no judgement as we took turns walking down memory lane and, with each step, we each wondered what could we each have done so wrong as to have ended up heartbroken and dismayed.

Just as promised, time has seemingly healed the abrasions of our hearts and better days have come for both, my friend and I.  She now finds herself in a wholesome, fruitful relationship.  The woes of yesteryear are a thing of the past, but the lessons learned have proven to be beneficial in her growth.  In essence, they've helped her to identify and separate her wants from her needs.  Using the heartbreak of her past, my friend has been able to circumvent the repeated pain of lustful intent and hone in on genuine affections, real connections, and - ultimately - an everlasting love.

I was reminded of this when someone from my recent past happened across my path.  Although I felt no angst about our decision to go our separate ways, I was left without a response to hearing the words, "I miss you" as they were uttered into the air.  I that instant,  my flesh chilled and my mind recycled countless moments of betrayal, lies, arguments, and despair.  Words that I learned to hear at one point in my life were now daggers that attacked my psyche and left me speechless. Quite literally, I was paralyzed.  My tongue refused to move as I thought of all the questions I'd decided to leave unanswered years ago.  My gaze became distant as I was bombarded with imagery of moments of my own confusion as I struggled to make peace with circumstances that left me disgraced and belittled.  But then, just as I came out of my stupor, I could only smile and say, "I hope you smile when you think of me"...

My response - rather than a retort - set me free.  You see, I've learned that there is no reason for me to ever invite the past into my present.  I am no longer a captive of the questions surrounding the memories of this timeframe of chaos.  I have forgiven myself for not loving myself enough to have walked away sooner.  And now,  I tend not to miss anything after having made peace with it in one way or another.  Even the most baffling of moments can be compartmentalized into learnings and, with that, dismissed as necessary milestones in life.  

After successfully dealing with the emotional break of this particular relationship, I promised myself not to relive any of it's energy in any form.  I'd walk away with the lessons taught and yearn for nothing resembling this occurrence to ever find space in my life again.  If I allowed myself to "miss" any part of it, I might, unwittingly, allow myself to re-invite the same despair to occupy my life again.

It wasn't my intent to appear stoic, but because I had stopped giving thought to the relationship and focused more on the lessons I'd learned about boundaries, self-love, respect, and perspectives.  With that, time had removed me from thinking of any moments of this failed attempt at happiness:; good or bad.  I had, quite literally, forgotten much about this timeframe and buried any good right along with all the bad.  By not allowing myself to recall anything, I had also suppressed the notion of "missing" any portion of that experience because, to me, it was all built on lies so nothing about it was real. 

There are those who would say that I was being insensitive in that moment.  And, for them, I would have no response. Even defending my stance would mean reliving moments I have intentionally chosen to forget.  However; there are also those who would realize that I was moreso desensitized by the trauma and had learned to cope by only taking what I needed from a given situation. Rather than allow myself to wallow in dismay, I've found a way to curtail how long it takes to evolve and develop my defenses against being stifled with questions that need Not be entertained any longer.  Quite simply, " veni, vidi, vici" and no more.

Does this lessen my sincerity?  No.  I think not.  Because my feelings were truly genuine while I found myself intertwined with each past love.  However, I have moved beyond those relationships and I do not yearn for any portion of any of them today.  I do not miss who I once was and I gratefully attribute who I am to the lessons taught during each lost love. But, a greater part of me acknowledges the fact that I cannot a moment of my own past because I am no longer the same person and would not feel the same now because of the lessons learned and the way I now see that same person.  

Sometimes, song writers do a much better job of saying just what I was thinking the entire time I was in that particular situation-ship.

Yes, we probably had some great times worth remembering, but I don't miss them simply because the new me (created by you) would no longer enjoy the same moments because I now know the truth about the lies that I'd been told.  My perspective has changed as to who you are now and where you fit in my life.  I have no desire to recall moments or "miss them" because those instances were filled with deceit.  They were all an illusion.  Nothing was real and the smokescreen of happiness that covered the lies was also a lie and neither will ever exist again.

I have closed the door to rehashing memories from this past event.  I know that those moments (for me) were honest and true.  I  know I was sincere and offered my love wholly.  I don't devalue anything I have experienced, but I refuse to retread the passageways that bear no fruit.  To do so would only mar the genuine love that once was with a mockery of lustful intent trying to recapture a moment that has already been extinguished.  What was is over and now it is what it is.   If we had some prior agreement, a mutual understanding, or even an amiable ambition, then I could allow myself to be remiss or anticipate our reunion, but (in this instance) we had placed a period at the end of our entanglement and I was being kind by extending cordial greetings.  To consider "missing" what turned out to be an undesirable coupling would be a disservice to myself and the lessons taught by this same experience.  To quote George Bush, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice?  Well, you just can't do that again!"

But, alas, these are just the rantings of ONE Man's Opinion.  Maybe there is roo for error, but it still unlikely that I will be moved from my stance.  Yet, still, I wonder, "What are your thoughts?"

Before The Dust Has Settled...

I saw this car at the VA Hospital parking garage. First, I shook my head...   But, then, I thought, "The person that drove that car to the hospital did not get the outcome they expected." Realizing that I, too, was aline on my journey, I quickly said a short prayer for the sick and shut in that I am aware of....  

You see, no one plans on sickness, homelessness, or has a calendar marked for their final day on Earth.  No one is promised tomorrow.  We all need somebody.  So, before the dust settles on your opportunity to share a smile with a friend in need, be a blessing to someone by just checking on them today and letting them know that they are not alone.

One Moment Lived A Thousand Times

Some memories come back as clearly as remembering what I just ate for breakfast this morning.  Others come through a series of dreams and conversations.  But, who would have thought that after being away from my VA home for over 35 years, I'd be sitting in my house in GA having a conversation with a coworker?  A coworker who just happens to have grown up in the same VA neighborhood that I did when I was a child.  

Admittedly, I had forgotten many of the names that went with the parade of faces that darted through my mind.  I had forgotten about the streets that I intentionally avoided in our neighborhood.  My mind recalled the churches that I'd only seen as landmarks and, because we weren't members there, I had never attended.  And, my heart still fluttered as I recalled the small stores I'd walked through in haste because - as young, black men - our money was more welcomed there than our prolonged presence.  But, here I am.  Having a flashback about my teenage years in a small Tidewater town and finally realizing the true impact that the people, places and faces of the past have had on me and their permanent impressions on my thoughts and reactions that shaped me into the man I am today.

Although it was not as evident as a child, the adventures and mis-adventures of our formidable years are inescapable.  Our fleeting moments of self discovery have lifelong residuals that we can never escape.  Decades later, when we revisit what we thought to be "childhood" decisions, we realize that the psychological footprints left by these whimsical moments are still relevant.  We recognize just how pivotal these moments were.  And, as these moments somehow echo throughout our lives, we are forced to use a moment from our youth as the framework for our lives and every decision made thereafter.

Take a moment and think.  You see, everyone has their own defining moment in life.  We each can vividly recall that one decision in life that defines who we are to this day.  We each can remember everything about that very instant where you know that if you had gone left instead of right, your entire life would have been completely different.  We may even refer to it jokingly as that bittersweet "woulda, coulda, shoulda" moment that you'll always cherish or regret in one way, but remember for a lifetime.

Some of us will never admit to such a moment.  For some, it brings shame and dishonor.  They remember that moment in silence and grudgingly bury it's pain deep within.  But, even doing that, they are forced to carry that shame with them.  It lurks behind every decision and weighs heavily in the mind.  Because they have chosen not to speak of it, that moment is trapped in a childish prison of perceptions.  It is not allowed to ever escape the understanding of a child.  And, as it feeds on the thought patterns of it's host, it can become paralyzing and hinder you from ever growing to your true potential in not just one area of life - but in life itself.

Others may have a moment if glory that they recall with great fanfare.  That heroism or moment of valor can be that moment that has propelled them into greatness or, inadvertently, it could also be the plateau of their greatness in life.  It could be the moment they shined greater than ever before and, because of that, their life has been filled with accolades and rewards.  Or, that same moment could greatly overshadow their measures of success in their current lives and now, serve as a measure they will never achieve again.

From the outside looking in, we look at that person and see what once was.  We may revel in their past and still see a hero, but they may look at those same moments and see the challenges this moment in time now presents.  They may spend their careers trying to achieve the same level of succesperson we are todays again and again until it becomes an exhausting, unobtainable goal.  And, if ever given an opportunity to rechart their paths, they wonder if they would do it quite the same.

In hindsight, even the greatest of moments can be riddled with indecision or met with scrutiny.  And, those private thoughts that invite other possibilities to come to mind, can sometimes leave us all wondering about those "would have, should have, could have" moments that we can never get back.  

Think about it.  Be honest with yourself.  We all have that "one moment" in our past that now serves as the dividing rod that has shaped us into the person we are today.  If I could go back in time, I wonder if I would have been the proud father of twins, married the love of my life, lived abroad, or simply been bold enough to live out loud with a gambit of possibilities that now elude me.  No one knows - but I will always wonder.

 

Whatever the case, the one question that echoes in my mind is the same one that I will pose to you:

"If you could change one decision in your life and do things differently, would you?"

As for me and mine, I have learned to live with the life I have molded.  I am thankful for every trial and every triumph.  I may have been a slow learner, a stubborn partner, and - quite often - too eager to chart my own path, but every decision has tempered me into the man of steel that I am today.  I have lived with regret only to learn forgiveness.  I have fallen down enough times just so I would know how to get up again  And. I have given more than I have taken; yet, I am continually restored and willing to give more while expecting nothing in return  I appreciate every scar; without them I would be eternally flawed.

But, again, this is simply ONE Man's Opinion.  What is yours?












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