How Do You Sleep At Night?

The Truth About Your Lying

Sean C. Robinson

I don’t know which is worse; the fact that you lie

Or the fact that you think I believe you.

And since I know the truth, I wonder

By allowing you to lie, am I the one who is being untrue?

If I were to tell you that "I only ask questions

To which I already know what the answer should be

Just so I can study your face and identify the look

Of a lie when it is told to me."

 

Would you, then, continue to lie so freely

Telling drawn-out tales as you please?

Or, would you deny me the entertainment of seeing

The quiver of your lip as you lie daily with such ease?

  

Would I begin to miss the wrinkle in your brow

When you repeat every question before fibbing?

Or, would I somehow demean this false relationship

That we both pretend we are living?

 

 I bid you to know I'll soon tire of this game

As each lie slowly rips our love apart.

And, when I am bored with your sideshow antics

I’ll move on, taking with me, my broken heart.

 

So, keep lying and cheating and doing “your thing”

As if no one else should be as wise

Knowing that you will soon be left all alone -

Ruined by your own compromise.

I etched these words years ago and shared them with a friend.  At that time, I was a "shoulder to lean on" as we both navigated our way back to reclaiming our self-worth after having endured the pains of our failed relationships.  Repeatedly, I offered the reassurance of a better tomorrow as we both grew tired of the cliche, yet found comfort in it's possibly at the same time.  When she spoke, I listened intently and passed no judgement as we took turns walking down memory lane and, with each step, we each wondered what could we each have done so wrong as to have ended up heartbroken and dismayed.

Just as promised, time has seemingly healed the abrasions of our hearts and better days have come for both, my friend and I.  She now finds herself in a wholesome, fruitful relationship.  The woes of yesteryear are a thing of the past, but the lessons learned have proven to be beneficial in her growth.  In essence, they've helped her to identify and separate her wants from her needs.  Using the heartbreak of her past, my friend has been able to circumvent the repeated pain of lustful intent and hone in on genuine affections, real connections, and - ultimately - an everlasting love.

I was reminded of this when someone from my recent past happened across my path.  Although I felt no angst about our decision to go our separate ways, I was left without a response to hearing the words, "I miss you" as they were uttered into the air.  I that instant,  my flesh chilled and my mind recycled countless moments of betrayal, lies, arguments, and despair.  Words that I learned to hear at one point in my life were now daggers that attacked my psyche and left me speechless. Quite literally, I was paralyzed.  My tongue refused to move as I thought of all the questions I'd decided to leave unanswered years ago.  My gaze became distant as I was bombarded with imagery of moments of my own confusion as I struggled to make peace with circumstances that left me disgraced and belittled.  But then, just as I came out of my stupor, I could only smile and say, "I hope you smile when you think of me"...

My response - rather than a retort - set me free.  You see, I've learned that there is no reason for me to ever invite the past into my present.  I am no longer a captive of the questions surrounding the memories of this timeframe of chaos.  I have forgiven myself for not loving myself enough to have walked away sooner.  And now,  I tend not to miss anything after having made peace with it in one way or another.  Even the most baffling of moments can be compartmentalized into learnings and, with that, dismissed as necessary milestones in life.  

After successfully dealing with the emotional break of this particular relationship, I promised myself not to relive any of it's energy in any form.  I'd walk away with the lessons taught and yearn for nothing resembling this occurrence to ever find space in my life again.  If I allowed myself to "miss" any part of it, I might, unwittingly, allow myself to re-invite the same despair to occupy my life again.

It wasn't my intent to appear stoic, but because I had stopped giving thought to the relationship and focused more on the lessons I'd learned about boundaries, self-love, respect, and perspectives.  With that, time had removed me from thinking of any moments of this failed attempt at happiness:; good or bad.  I had, quite literally, forgotten much about this timeframe and buried any good right along with all the bad.  By not allowing myself to recall anything, I had also suppressed the notion of "missing" any portion of that experience because, to me, it was all built on lies so nothing about it was real. 

There are those who would say that I was being insensitive in that moment.  And, for them, I would have no response. Even defending my stance would mean reliving moments I have intentionally chosen to forget.  However; there are also those who would realize that I was moreso desensitized by the trauma and had learned to cope by only taking what I needed from a given situation. Rather than allow myself to wallow in dismay, I've found a way to curtail how long it takes to evolve and develop my defenses against being stifled with questions that need Not be entertained any longer.  Quite simply, " veni, vidi, vici" and no more.

Does this lessen my sincerity?  No.  I think not.  Because my feelings were truly genuine while I found myself intertwined with each past love.  However, I have moved beyond those relationships and I do not yearn for any portion of any of them today.  I do not miss who I once was and I gratefully attribute who I am to the lessons taught during each lost love. But, a greater part of me acknowledges the fact that I cannot a moment of my own past because I am no longer the same person and would not feel the same now because of the lessons learned and the way I now see that same person.  

Sometimes, song writers do a much better job of saying just what I was thinking the entire time I was in that particular situation-ship.

Yes, we probably had some great times worth remembering, but I don't miss them simply because the new me (created by you) would no longer enjoy the same moments because I now know the truth about the lies that I'd been told.  My perspective has changed as to who you are now and where you fit in my life.  I have no desire to recall moments or "miss them" because those instances were filled with deceit.  They were all an illusion.  Nothing was real and the smokescreen of happiness that covered the lies was also a lie and neither will ever exist again.

I have closed the door to rehashing memories from this past event.  I know that those moments (for me) were honest and true.  I  know I was sincere and offered my love wholly.  I don't devalue anything I have experienced, but I refuse to retread the passageways that bear no fruit.  To do so would only mar the genuine love that once was with a mockery of lustful intent trying to recapture a moment that has already been extinguished.  What was is over and now it is what it is.   If we had some prior agreement, a mutual understanding, or even an amiable ambition, then I could allow myself to be remiss or anticipate our reunion, but (in this instance) we had placed a period at the end of our entanglement and I was being kind by extending cordial greetings.  To consider "missing" what turned out to be an undesirable coupling would be a disservice to myself and the lessons taught by this same experience.  To quote George Bush, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice?  Well, you just can't do that again!"

But, alas, these are just the rantings of ONE Man's Opinion.  Maybe there is roo for error, but it still unlikely that I will be moved from my stance.  Yet, still, I wonder, "What are your thoughts?"