How Do You Sleep At Night?

The Truth About Your Lying

Sean C. Robinson

I don’t know which is worse; the fact that you lie

Or the fact that you think I believe you.

And since I know the truth, I wonder

By allowing you to lie, am I the one who is being untrue?

If I were to tell you that "I only ask questions

To which I already know what the answer should be

Just so I can study your face and identify the look

Of a lie when it is told to me."

 

Would you, then, continue to lie so freely

Telling drawn-out tales as you please?

Or, would you deny me the entertainment of seeing

The quiver of your lip as you lie daily with such ease?

  

Would I begin to miss the wrinkle in your brow

When you repeat every question before fibbing?

Or, would I somehow demean this false relationship

That we both pretend we are living?

 

 I bid you to know I'll soon tire of this game

As each lie slowly rips our love apart.

And, when I am bored with your sideshow antics

I’ll move on, taking with me, my broken heart.

 

So, keep lying and cheating and doing “your thing”

As if no one else should be as wise

Knowing that you will soon be left all alone -

Ruined by your own compromise.

I etched these words years ago and shared them with a friend.  At that time, I was a "shoulder to lean on" as we both navigated our way back to reclaiming our self-worth after having endured the pains of our failed relationships.  Repeatedly, I offered the reassurance of a better tomorrow as we both grew tired of the cliche, yet found comfort in it's possibly at the same time.  When she spoke, I listened intently and passed no judgement as we took turns walking down memory lane and, with each step, we each wondered what could we each have done so wrong as to have ended up heartbroken and dismayed.

Just as promised, time has seemingly healed the abrasions of our hearts and better days have come for both, my friend and I.  She now finds herself in a wholesome, fruitful relationship.  The woes of yesteryear are a thing of the past, but the lessons learned have proven to be beneficial in her growth.  In essence, they've helped her to identify and separate her wants from her needs.  Using the heartbreak of her past, my friend has been able to circumvent the repeated pain of lustful intent and hone in on genuine affections, real connections, and - ultimately - an everlasting love.

I was reminded of this when someone from my recent past happened across my path.  Although I felt no angst about our decision to go our separate ways, I was left without a response to hearing the words, "I miss you" as they were uttered into the air.  I that instant,  my flesh chilled and my mind recycled countless moments of betrayal, lies, arguments, and despair.  Words that I learned to hear at one point in my life were now daggers that attacked my psyche and left me speechless. Quite literally, I was paralyzed.  My tongue refused to move as I thought of all the questions I'd decided to leave unanswered years ago.  My gaze became distant as I was bombarded with imagery of moments of my own confusion as I struggled to make peace with circumstances that left me disgraced and belittled.  But then, just as I came out of my stupor, I could only smile and say, "I hope you smile when you think of me"...

My response - rather than a retort - set me free.  You see, I've learned that there is no reason for me to ever invite the past into my present.  I am no longer a captive of the questions surrounding the memories of this timeframe of chaos.  I have forgiven myself for not loving myself enough to have walked away sooner.  And now,  I tend not to miss anything after having made peace with it in one way or another.  Even the most baffling of moments can be compartmentalized into learnings and, with that, dismissed as necessary milestones in life.  

After successfully dealing with the emotional break of this particular relationship, I promised myself not to relive any of it's energy in any form.  I'd walk away with the lessons taught and yearn for nothing resembling this occurrence to ever find space in my life again.  If I allowed myself to "miss" any part of it, I might, unwittingly, allow myself to re-invite the same despair to occupy my life again.

It wasn't my intent to appear stoic, but because I had stopped giving thought to the relationship and focused more on the lessons I'd learned about boundaries, self-love, respect, and perspectives.  With that, time had removed me from thinking of any moments of this failed attempt at happiness:; good or bad.  I had, quite literally, forgotten much about this timeframe and buried any good right along with all the bad.  By not allowing myself to recall anything, I had also suppressed the notion of "missing" any portion of that experience because, to me, it was all built on lies so nothing about it was real. 

There are those who would say that I was being insensitive in that moment.  And, for them, I would have no response. Even defending my stance would mean reliving moments I have intentionally chosen to forget.  However; there are also those who would realize that I was moreso desensitized by the trauma and had learned to cope by only taking what I needed from a given situation. Rather than allow myself to wallow in dismay, I've found a way to curtail how long it takes to evolve and develop my defenses against being stifled with questions that need Not be entertained any longer.  Quite simply, " veni, vidi, vici" and no more.

Does this lessen my sincerity?  No.  I think not.  Because my feelings were truly genuine while I found myself intertwined with each past love.  However, I have moved beyond those relationships and I do not yearn for any portion of any of them today.  I do not miss who I once was and I gratefully attribute who I am to the lessons taught during each lost love. But, a greater part of me acknowledges the fact that I cannot a moment of my own past because I am no longer the same person and would not feel the same now because of the lessons learned and the way I now see that same person.  

Sometimes, song writers do a much better job of saying just what I was thinking the entire time I was in that particular situation-ship.

Yes, we probably had some great times worth remembering, but I don't miss them simply because the new me (created by you) would no longer enjoy the same moments because I now know the truth about the lies that I'd been told.  My perspective has changed as to who you are now and where you fit in my life.  I have no desire to recall moments or "miss them" because those instances were filled with deceit.  They were all an illusion.  Nothing was real and the smokescreen of happiness that covered the lies was also a lie and neither will ever exist again.

I have closed the door to rehashing memories from this past event.  I know that those moments (for me) were honest and true.  I  know I was sincere and offered my love wholly.  I don't devalue anything I have experienced, but I refuse to retread the passageways that bear no fruit.  To do so would only mar the genuine love that once was with a mockery of lustful intent trying to recapture a moment that has already been extinguished.  What was is over and now it is what it is.   If we had some prior agreement, a mutual understanding, or even an amiable ambition, then I could allow myself to be remiss or anticipate our reunion, but (in this instance) we had placed a period at the end of our entanglement and I was being kind by extending cordial greetings.  To consider "missing" what turned out to be an undesirable coupling would be a disservice to myself and the lessons taught by this same experience.  To quote George Bush, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice?  Well, you just can't do that again!"

But, alas, these are just the rantings of ONE Man's Opinion.  Maybe there is roo for error, but it still unlikely that I will be moved from my stance.  Yet, still, I wonder, "What are your thoughts?"

Before The Dust Has Settled...

I saw this car at the VA Hospital parking garage. First, I shook my head...   But, then, I thought, "The person that drove that car to the hospital did not get the outcome they expected." Realizing that I, too, was aline on my journey, I quickly said a short prayer for the sick and shut in that I am aware of....  

You see, no one plans on sickness, homelessness, or has a calendar marked for their final day on Earth.  No one is promised tomorrow.  We all need somebody.  So, before the dust settles on your opportunity to share a smile with a friend in need, be a blessing to someone by just checking on them today and letting them know that they are not alone.

One Moment Lived A Thousand Times

Some memories come back as clearly as remembering what I just ate for breakfast this morning.  Others come through a series of dreams and conversations.  But, who would have thought that after being away from my VA home for over 35 years, I'd be sitting in my house in GA having a conversation with a coworker?  A coworker who just happens to have grown up in the same VA neighborhood that I did when I was a child.  

Admittedly, I had forgotten many of the names that went with the parade of faces that darted through my mind.  I had forgotten about the streets that I intentionally avoided in our neighborhood.  My mind recalled the churches that I'd only seen as landmarks and, because we weren't members there, I had never attended.  And, my heart still fluttered as I recalled the small stores I'd walked through in haste because - as young, black men - our money was more welcomed there than our prolonged presence.  But, here I am.  Having a flashback about my teenage years in a small Tidewater town and finally realizing the true impact that the people, places and faces of the past have had on me and their permanent impressions on my thoughts and reactions that shaped me into the man I am today.

Although it was not as evident as a child, the adventures and mis-adventures of our formidable years are inescapable.  Our fleeting moments of self discovery have lifelong residuals that we can never escape.  Decades later, when we revisit what we thought to be "childhood" decisions, we realize that the psychological footprints left by these whimsical moments are still relevant.  We recognize just how pivotal these moments were.  And, as these moments somehow echo throughout our lives, we are forced to use a moment from our youth as the framework for our lives and every decision made thereafter.

Take a moment and think.  You see, everyone has their own defining moment in life.  We each can vividly recall that one decision in life that defines who we are to this day.  We each can remember everything about that very instant where you know that if you had gone left instead of right, your entire life would have been completely different.  We may even refer to it jokingly as that bittersweet "woulda, coulda, shoulda" moment that you'll always cherish or regret in one way, but remember for a lifetime.

Some of us will never admit to such a moment.  For some, it brings shame and dishonor.  They remember that moment in silence and grudgingly bury it's pain deep within.  But, even doing that, they are forced to carry that shame with them.  It lurks behind every decision and weighs heavily in the mind.  Because they have chosen not to speak of it, that moment is trapped in a childish prison of perceptions.  It is not allowed to ever escape the understanding of a child.  And, as it feeds on the thought patterns of it's host, it can become paralyzing and hinder you from ever growing to your true potential in not just one area of life - but in life itself.

Others may have a moment if glory that they recall with great fanfare.  That heroism or moment of valor can be that moment that has propelled them into greatness or, inadvertently, it could also be the plateau of their greatness in life.  It could be the moment they shined greater than ever before and, because of that, their life has been filled with accolades and rewards.  Or, that same moment could greatly overshadow their measures of success in their current lives and now, serve as a measure they will never achieve again.

From the outside looking in, we look at that person and see what once was.  We may revel in their past and still see a hero, but they may look at those same moments and see the challenges this moment in time now presents.  They may spend their careers trying to achieve the same level of succesperson we are todays again and again until it becomes an exhausting, unobtainable goal.  And, if ever given an opportunity to rechart their paths, they wonder if they would do it quite the same.

In hindsight, even the greatest of moments can be riddled with indecision or met with scrutiny.  And, those private thoughts that invite other possibilities to come to mind, can sometimes leave us all wondering about those "would have, should have, could have" moments that we can never get back.  

Think about it.  Be honest with yourself.  We all have that "one moment" in our past that now serves as the dividing rod that has shaped us into the person we are today.  If I could go back in time, I wonder if I would have been the proud father of twins, married the love of my life, lived abroad, or simply been bold enough to live out loud with a gambit of possibilities that now elude me.  No one knows - but I will always wonder.

 

Whatever the case, the one question that echoes in my mind is the same one that I will pose to you:

"If you could change one decision in your life and do things differently, would you?"

As for me and mine, I have learned to live with the life I have molded.  I am thankful for every trial and every triumph.  I may have been a slow learner, a stubborn partner, and - quite often - too eager to chart my own path, but every decision has tempered me into the man of steel that I am today.  I have lived with regret only to learn forgiveness.  I have fallen down enough times just so I would know how to get up again  And. I have given more than I have taken; yet, I am continually restored and willing to give more while expecting nothing in return  I appreciate every scar; without them I would be eternally flawed.

But, again, this is simply ONE Man's Opinion.  What is yours?












....

Breaking The Chains Of A Failed Relationship

It's May 5th!  And, on this date, I free myself from the chains of deception that have held me bound to my not-too-distant past. Recently, I had to deal with the pain of ending a loving relationship that I thought would last forever.

This pilgrimage of pain proved to me that breaking up can become an emotional rollercoaster filled with jaw-dropping revelations.  Bringing things to an agreeable end can be difficult because it causes us to review our own actions, accept fault, and acknowledge mistakes.  While reflecting on ourselves, it is easy to assume that your former love is able to move on without any pain.  But, realistically, we cannot make any assumptions because we are unaware of how long or how deeply this emotional divorce may impact either of you. 

We only think that way because (for months long before the actual breakup) we've already lost the connectivity we once felt for that relationship.  The things you once loved may now incite anger.  The coaxing of friends may mislead.  So, logically, it makes sense that we neither see nor acknowledge the pain that our former love is dealing with as we become engulfed in our own speration anxieties and feelings of loss and remorse.

In order to move on successfully, we each have to begin to acknowledge the good, the bad, the gains, the losses, and - most importantly - the lesson learned from our experience.  Learning helps to ensure that we do not recycle the same relationship the next time we find romance.  When moving forward, we mustn't be afraid to speak freely and honestly about our past relationships, why they ended, and our ownership in it's demise.  

As for the lost love in your last relationship; we must acknowledge that the person you fell in love with may not exist any longer or - even worse - may not have existed at all.  Love can be blinding.  We tend to overlook behaviors we normally would not accept, learn to live with lies, or even accept blatant disrespect with the hope that love will conquer all one day.  But, we may fail to realize that some people like being broken and enjoy, even moreso, breaking others.  We must also realize that people are changed by circumstance and often compromised by conflict.  And, the things that we once hoped love would fix are now the very same roadblocks that rip away the core of a relationship.  

Admittedly, the union of two may have been perfect for each other only for a reason, season, or wrinkle in time.  That relationship may have been no more than a building block meant to shape your character into the person you've become today.  In hindsight, your failed relationship may actually cause you to gain from the experiences you two once shared.  Instead of being "broken", realize that you have an opportunity to rebuild a better you.

The Universe may have simply given you a helpmate to either get you through or take you through an experience that has made you stronger as it ends.  No other person could have shared those moments with you and give you the same character building traits or hard lessons learned that you now possess.  It is now up to you to relish in your gains.  As painful as it may seem, find peace by learning to forgive them for their faults, thank them for their strengths, and finally - dismiss them from their roles in your life. 

Go ahead and cry, scream, and do what you have to do to relieve your  pain.  But, only for a short while.  Know that this is healthy.  But, don't sulk too long.  Elevate yourself from feelings of hurt, anger, and remorse by reaffirming your new identity with the world around you.  You've become better because of their impact on your decision making processes.  You realize that your way is not the only way and you now consider other probabilities.  You've reshaped your primitive viewpoints into more educated alternatives.   You're wiser.  You're stronger.  You've lived.  You've survived.  And, now that you've begun the process of forgiving them and tearfully dismissed their role in your life, you must forgive yourself as well and begin to move on.

You have to reclaim your time.  Focus on a better you.  Pick up your shattered ego and venture back into dating.  Learn to remove the fear of having those up-front discussions about how we deal with conflict, disrespect, and the ownership of our personal flaws.  As you become more social as a single entity, ask yourself if you are attracting the right energy or simply replacing a failure with another version of your past.

When dating, lightheartedly pose questions to determine as to how your next partner would handle similar failed situations should they ever arise.  By listening to their responses, you may discover some hidden faults of your own and continue to grow into a more thoughtful, less self-absorbed person.   You must decide to become better, not bitter.

We have to open our minds to the idea that there really are no right or wrong answers.  Instead, we must learn to see if your next mate chooses responses that align with your thought process or even consider you as a part of the solution (rather than the pinnacle of a problem).  Compatibility is much more important than sexual attraction.  You have to partner yourself with someone who wants to move in the same direction as your dreams.  It is impossible to build an empire of brick and mortar with someone who would rather just play in the dirt.  Neither of you is wrong - you're just wrong for each other.

You see, three years ago today, I began a journey that stripped me completely of the person I once was. After I took the time to wallow in my sorrows, I had to be realistic and allow myself to face some really ugly truths.  Now, I've decided that the spiral of demise that began on May 5, 2018 has  finally ended.  I've flushed out my own feelings and finally arrived at a place where I can forgive myself. One day, I just stopped asking why this and why that and simply looked at the man in the mirror and said, "Yesterday is gone.  My lessons have been learned.  And, now, it is time to live again.  I'm better, wiser, and even more aware of myself".  It was only then that the face in the mirror started looking more like someone I once knew.

With this newly adopted mindset, tomorrow promises to be a much brighter day. But tonight, I'm able to marvel in a newfound freedom.  Sipping my favorite wine and having a stimulating conversation about a new business opportunity with a new friend, I'm excited about the wonders that have yet to unfold.  I finally believe in me again.

I've forgiven myself - but, I will never forget.

But, then again, this is just ONE Man's Opinion.   What do you think?

Better Or Bitter: Have You Learned Anything ?

Just a few years ago, Erykah Badu had a chart topping series of songs that trumpeted an anthem of strength and rebirth to a new generation of women.  With the torch song of the era, Badu gave women the strength to walk away from emotionally crippling relationships as she belted out lyrics aimed at all the Tyrone-like characters within the sound of her voice.  She followed that up with a song meant to heal the bruised psyche of her female (and attentive male) fans as she gave millions the ability to see a reflection of themselves and others within their circle accurately personified in the lyrics of  our self-proclaimed Bag Lady of R&B.

So, even after a musical revolution that garnered millions in record sales, I look around at the single women and broken relationships that still fail to heed her call to revelation and rebirth and, sadly, I shake my head in wonderment.  Why are so many people strong enough to dismiss a mate from their lives so wilfully; yet, these same strong minded egocentrics never divorce themselves from the  their own negative circumstances and toxic behaviors that are often the true cause of their woes?

If you are strong enough to identify your mate's shortcomings  and dismantle your flailing relationship, then you should also find the strength needed to evaluate yourself and heal the gaping cavity that remains in your life after its demise.   Hindsight, I'm told, gives the mind of a person seeking resolve an ability to recreate the disagreeable moments of their failed relationships and view them from all perspectives.   If they actively listened to their lovers, then they are able to reasonably represent their arguments as well as their inflammations of anger which may have distracted them from being able to come to resolution previously.   In doing so, a more considerate person might seize this opportunity to learn and grow from any revelation brought about during their mental excursion.   They might discover the value of their mate's viewpoints and realize that they could have each yielded at some point in order to compromise their beliefs and arrive at new conclusions that would have allowed their relationship to grow and blossom in mew directions.

In direct contrast, the more selfish egocentric might completely miss the lessons taught by these moments of reflection.   By holding on to the belief that their imperialistic views are free from correction,  one might not ever come to the realization that their own ways could  possibly be altered or compromised in an effort to salvage a relationship that could have been more beneficial to their lives and eye opening to their minds.  These same people never seem to grow from their experiences and often repeat the same destructive behaviors as they move from one entanglement to another.   

You see, hindsight can offer you an opportunity to make self-corrections if you're willing to realize that you are humble enough to allow different viewpoints to add value to your thought process.   But, just like wielding a double-headed sword, it can also allow an immature user to simply reopen wounds and learn nothing; often leaving their thoughts with bitterness, ill will, and no resolve.

Now, think about it:  Are you better or bitter as a result of the  the past relationships in your life?  

If you are truly  better, then I applaud you.  You have learned that there is room in a relationship for differing views and perspectives.   You have opened yourself up to the probability of reshaping your thoughts and,  in time, finding the mate with whom you can be challenged and corrected - but also  rewarded and blessed with happiness. 

If you are bitter, then I can only suggest that you find the strength listen to the words of Ms. Badu and realize that you are the one who might need to put down the "baggage " of past experiences that may be hindering your chances of ever finding a mate.  If your mind has become imprisoned by a limited  or rigid perspective,  then you may actually be the reason for your solitude.   Not allowing others to offer you enlightenment or correction is a sign of stubbornness and selfishness.   These undesirable traits may be holding you back from finding something beautiful in your life that could - potentially - complete you.

Truthfully, it may not be as simple as it sounds.  However; I have always been a strong believer in the fact that we all have the lives we want to lead.  If not, then we also have the ability to change it - by simply choosing to make different decisions concerning the adversities in our lives...

But, alas this is just ONE Man's Opinion...   Help me expand the horizons of my mind and join me in this conversation.   Tell me: What is your opinion?